Let’s talk Self-Love vs. ‘Love’!
This whole idea about ‘looking for love’ (on the outside) may be leading many in the wrong direction. What we need to find is our self-love – the love we all have within ourselves! It is in there, that we find the love for ourselves, the love for others, the love for the world, for nature, for everything.
The love you receive from others outside of you, from a partner for example, is a different kind of love. That kind of love is not necessarily permanent and limitless. However, the love that is you at your deepest core – is permanent and limitless. Repeat this as many times as you need: “The love that is me at my deepest core – is permanent and limitless!”
To find that love, and to allow it to be expressed, we need to break down the barriers we hold – we need to break down the fences we have put up, around our core of love.
So what are those barriers and fences?
They are beliefs and feelings that linger from experiences that lie in the past. Those barriers and fences block your conscious you, from accessing your love core. They are fences like shame or guilt, or feeling that you don’t deserve love (meanwhile, you have it already inside you) – and there can be barriers in the form of beliefs like having to fit in with norms, being in a ‘love relationship’ to fit in with societal expectations (where these societal expectations may or may not even match your own expectations or ideas about love).
We are being led to look for someone outside ourselves, to fill us up with love. But actually, it is there already – it is in us, ready for us to start pouring, to ourselves and to others around us. Love is in there waiting for us to start giving it to others. When we shower others with love, we receive it back. When we shower ourselves with love, we create an eternal replenishment cycle. We need to dare to open our hearts, and be vulnerable. Giving love can be a vulnerable matter if you doubt a return – but when we give, we are bound to receive – it is a universal law. Feeling love is the most wonderful experience. Isn’t knowing that it comes from yourself, that YOU are the source of love, even more wonderful? It gives a feeling of being whole, powerful, full, and eternal.
No need to ‘run around looking for love’
We don’t need to run around and worry about “finding love” in the vessel of someone else (man/woman). What we should be looking for is not for someone to GIVE us the love that we feel we need, but looking for ways to ACCESS and USE the love that we have within ourselves. What we should be looking for from others is COMPANY – a DEEPER relationship with mutual benefits, like compassion, support, understanding. A relationship that is based on reflection, mutual attraction, a mirroring and recognition of something that is inside of us.
A relationship with a ‘partner’ where we lift each other up with the love that we have from inside our fountain of love. A relationship where we consciously set our intention on what it is we we appreciate and want to have – and then send exactly that out. This is a process that might take years to master – sending out that which we want reflected back to us – or it might take not very long, depending on the insight we have into ourselves.
The aim for most, is to be with those where we can laugh wholeheartedly and where we can cry when things get tough or sad, where we can be uplifted and inspired to bring out the best sides in ourselves, without feeling judged. Where we can be intimate in a caring, nurturing and respectful way.
There is a lovely saying that says: “Don’t stay where you are tolerated. Go where you are celebrated!” I absolutely love it. I think it says so much about nurturing each other’s potential positively, and relishing in that joy and acceptance.
Release the pressure
It is okay to relieve ourselves from the pressure of ‘finding love’ in the conventional meaning/interpretation. It is okay to focus instead on breaking down the barriers that block us from accessing our own self-love.
Some ways to access the love in you:
- Focus on ‘now and onwards’, focus on forgiving and moving on. Let the old hurt feelings go, mentally send them up in the sky, to be dissolved forever. Tell yourself there is no longer a purpose for you to keep holding on to them.
- Focus on feeling the love you already have inside, for you. Close your eyes, and find it. It bubbles, it flows, it gives you calmness and assuredness.
- Focus on diverting negative thoughts into the air, letting them dissolve. Guide them mentally towards your core of self-love, where they can be transmuted. Love heals fear.
- Focus on nurturing the love inside you: Tell yourself nice things. Smile at yourself in the mirror. Write down your positive qualities and bring those forward. Help others, be someone for others, shower your love and re-start the flow from your inner fountain of love.
- Focus on having like-minded people around you. Release those relationships that don’t feel right. Sustainable, positive relationships should nurture you, and give you a feeling of being supported and of you being a support to them as well. It is important to feel a mutual sense of help, inspiration, motivation, to feel that you are ‘bringing something to the table’ too. That you are appreciated. And it is important to remember to appreciate those people around you too.
- Focus on staying where there is mutual support, focus on staying with those who hear you and who understand you, and who have your best interest at heart.
The love you are looking for from the outside, is already inside you. This love is for you – and it is for you to give. You are it.
Marianne Johansen, June 2019
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Photo credit: John Wilson – Unsplash